Created by Keith P. Bly, MD and Chanda Simpson, MD
As many of you know, the Department of Pediatrics has been under the budget crunch and financially strained. Therefore, last spring, unknown to the residents, the pediatric faculty traveled to Hollywood to make some movies and TV series in hopes of raising some extra revenue for the department.
The first project was a revamped Love Boat. The program starred Dr. Ogra as the captain with a heart of gold and a pocket full of Kit-Kats, but never quite enough to please everyone. Dr. Keeney co-starred as the cruise director . If you have any problems or complaints while on board, just let her know and she'll be happy to change all the rules to accommodate you. Dr. Taeed slid easily into his role as Gopher, the ship's scut boy. He took care of all the little jobs that the captain and everyone else didn't want to do.
Laura McGuinn played Laurie, the captain's energetic, perky, adolescent daughter who always seemed to get in over her head no matter what she did. Barbara Ladd and Susana Balfour co-starred as the ship's ticket takers, and you'd better have your ticket or Susana will hassle you about it the whole cruise.
Glenda Rassin was outstanding in her role as ship's photographer. And when she's not taking pictures...she's....well, she's doing something. Dr. Swischuk made a cameo as the ship's bartender, the only bartender who tells you what you need to order.
Oh no! If all the faculty are on this cruise, then who is taking care of PCG?? Oh, yeah...Dr. Smith is there.
Unfortunately, the Pedi Boat was canceled after only a few episodes because too many cast members jumped ship. Then there was this guy who kept saying he was going to jump off "in another month."
After the Pedi Boat sunk, some of the faculty got involved in some other Hollywood projects. First was the Three Amigos, a great concept about three nephrologists fighting renal disease on the Tex-Mex border. But the American movie-going public found the 24 hour urine collection too tedious.
Next they tried The Baby Bunch, which was supposed to be a nice family oriented show. But old Carol kept swearing and throwing things at the camera, so the program was promptly canceled.
The success of the TV show "ER" about a group of young, inexperienced doctors practicing medicine by the seats of their pants in a busy city hospital emergency room prompted this series about a group of old inexperienced subspecialists practicing medicine by the seats of their pants in a busy island emergency room. We're still waiting to see what happens with this one.
A whimsical movie about an eccentric young doctor who inadvertently stumbles into the private lives of his adolescent patients won the hearts of America with the tag line "Life is like a box of condoms...you never know what you're gonna get if you don't use one."
The next movie chronicled the attempts of a unique three parent family to care for a young child for one week at a time each. Sometimes it took them all day just to decide how to dress her or what to feed her. Whenever they didn't know what to do with the kid, they sent her upstairs to this woman, who had so many kids she didn't know what to do. Sometimes even this was not enough, and the kids went down the hall to Madame Butterfly, who took care of them in her own special way.
The action-adventure series Statman and Wildin never really took off. The Boy Wonder spent too much time in the Batlab, and Statman really only worked the first two weeks of May every year.
A poorly conceived children's program was doomed to failure for obvious reasons.
We all remember when BreathleMania swept across the country...and we all remember how sad we were when they broke up over petty differences like disagreements over which drugs to use, and whether they should have really long hair or no hair.
The Wizard of Onc was an instant children's classic, but medical students around the world were terrified and intimidated by the Wicked Witch of the West.
The movie "Dragon Scope" set a new cinematic record for most rectums ever captured on film.
The idea for a series of short films about a wisecracking, slapsticking group of cardiologists seemed like a sure fire hit. But they all got poked in the eyes and slapped in the back of the head so many times that the trio had to be dissolved.
An ill-conceived disco revival movie never hit it big despite it's flashy star.
PCG: The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the U.C.C. Disorganized. It's continuing mission: to decrease the number of faculty and increase the number of patients, to seek out new ways of avoiding night clinic, and to boldly convince everyone in Galveston County that David McCormick and Leigh Smith are their doctors. This series is being revamped for next season as "Star Health Trek : The Pavilion Generation." On the new show, faculty will be present at all times, a state-of-the-art computerized medical record system will be instituted, patients will have continuity with their doctor and be seen in a timely manner, and the office may even turn a profit. This show sounds very familiar...
Now that I have burned any number of bridges, I have decided to announce at this time my resignation from the chief residency for next year. But don't fear...the Hollywood trip was not a complete loss. While there, we were able to secure the services of a man who has been looking for a new line of work and to rehabilitate his image in a position of authority and respect. I am pleased to introduce your new chief residents for the 1996-97 academic year. I'm not sure which one I'm more scared of, but I dare anyone to misbehave.